Category · Heavyweight division
Toilet Titan Award
Some entries do not simply contend. They preside. The Toilet Titan Award is World’s Biggest Poo’s honour for the contestant whose submission carries the kind of ceremonial weight you would normally associate with a regional mayor opening a roundabout.
What qualifies as a Toilet Titan
The Titan division is less about raw magnitude and more about tone. A Titan entry reads like a press release. There is no panic, no apology, and very little explanation. The contestant simply informs the committee, in neutral English, that something considerable has occurred and that everyone should behave themselves accordingly.
Judging criteria
- Posture. The write-up must never beg. Titans state. They do not plead.
- Duration. Anything under ten minutes is categorised as brisk, not titanic.
- Flush confidence. A Titan never leaves with questions.
- Quote quality. One dignified line. Ideally something a minister would regret saying on a hot mic.
A brief history of Titans
Titans have historically been calm, administrative, and slightly alarming. Previous Titan laureates include Sir Flushington III, who submitted a single sentence and a faintly condescending emoji, and Jean-Claude Van Can, whose description consisted entirely of the phrase “impact regrettable, morale improved”.
“The committee thanks the Titan for their service and suggests we all move on.”
How this relates to the daily award
A Titan may or may not also become the Biggest Poo of the Day. Titanism is a quality of bearing; the daily crown considers overall ceremonial score. The overlap is high, but a contestant can win one and not the other, particularly if their flush confidence is, to quote the committee, “regrettable”.